uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
