Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
