i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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