So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You were trust falling into bushes
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
