dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
