So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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