she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
