somebody snuck up and got me drunk
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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