Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
