apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
