I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Found your dick twin last night
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Randomize
