I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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