I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
