the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
