Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
