I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
