either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
