Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
