You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
