I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Randomize
