i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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