Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
