you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Holy sore nipples Batman
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
