just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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