By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
