That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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