an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Randomize
