the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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