This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
