Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Just pee around me
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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