Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
