planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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