im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
