my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize