roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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