I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
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