Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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