Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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