if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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