i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
