I will die if light touches me.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
