your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
