i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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