i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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