i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
