after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
