I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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