oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize