Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
