i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
