I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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