It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
