We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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