finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
