If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
