My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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