You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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