She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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