Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
